How Do We Choose a Spouse?

Most people come to see me once they are in a crisis in their relationship or marriage and they often wonder how the person they so loved, respected, cherished etc. etc. is now the bain of their existence. A conundrum for sure, a tale as old as time itself. Now that we as humans live much longer than ever before, this existential crisis in a marriage is all the more crucial to individual happiness. And yes, happiness seems to have evolved into everyone’s goal. If we had asked our grandparents about happiness, they might have looked at us as though we have two heads…certainly they would have scoffed at the notion that marriage equals or is the source of happiness.

Marriage is an institution, it is a force and entity unto itself. It is a tool for survival, and a good one at that. In so being, the whole is more important than its parts. You, however, are one of the parts, and your discomfort (and relief thereof) is of prime concern to you and me.

Imagine yourself as a magnet, but you don’t know it. Without knowledge of your magnetic pull, you will naturally attract parts of yourself you need but have no consciousness of…this is generally how most people “fall” in love, by attracting to themselves that which they unknowingly need. As time unfolds, that magnetic pull becomes a constant reminder of something buried - some people call it a shadow - and our chosen partner can feel like an adversary rather than a teammate. Sound familiar? Are you in this or have you stayed well away from relationships because you watched your parents do this dance?

We are going to further explore the how’s, why’s, and what’s of marital choice in preparation for your happiness…stay tuned.

Love and Marriage…?

What do love and marriage have to do with one another? At Ask Jill we will try to find out! Most of us begin in marriage as we hope to continue; in the hope of maintaining and living in love, intimacy and shared goals. But what if the very thing that causes us to feel “in love” and inspire the commitment of marriage is the very thing that threatens its survival?

Isn’t the world curiously invested in dissecting marriage, trying to decipher the riddle of the ages? Who has a good one, how do they do it…ultimately, where do I get a good marriage and who is really hiding the secret to marital bliss? Particularly when children enter the system - yes, the marital couple is a system - couples often falter - just when they really need to lean in and strengthen that system!

Oy vey. It’s a conundrum and one that seems to hold the key to true happiness and longevity - well, the longevity applies to men in marriage, women not so much, but that’s material for another blog post!

Full disclosure, I do not have THE ANSWER. (Hint, hint: no one does.) But, stick around and let’s see what we can figure out together. After all, I want a happily ever after just as much as the next gal.