How Do We Choose a Spouse?

Most people come to see me once they are in a crisis in their relationship or marriage and they often wonder how the person they so loved, respected, cherished etc. etc. is now the bain of their existence. A conundrum for sure, a tale as old as time itself. Now that we as humans live much longer than ever before, this existential crisis in a marriage is all the more crucial to individual happiness. And yes, happiness seems to have evolved into everyone’s goal. If we had asked our grandparents about happiness, they might have looked at us as though we have two heads…certainly they would have scoffed at the notion that marriage equals or is the source of happiness.

Marriage is an institution, it is a force and entity unto itself. It is a tool for survival, and a good one at that. In so being, the whole is more important than its parts. You, however, are one of the parts, and your discomfort (and relief thereof) is of prime concern to you and me.

Imagine yourself as a magnet, but you don’t know it. Without knowledge of your magnetic pull, you will naturally attract parts of yourself you need but have no consciousness of…this is generally how most people “fall” in love, by attracting to themselves that which they unknowingly need. As time unfolds, that magnetic pull becomes a constant reminder of something buried - some people call it a shadow - and our chosen partner can feel like an adversary rather than a teammate. Sound familiar? Are you in this or have you stayed well away from relationships because you watched your parents do this dance?

We are going to further explore the how’s, why’s, and what’s of marital choice in preparation for your happiness…stay tuned.